Six Days in Siam

Day 2 – Bangkok and Thai Culture

Before coming to Thailand I was interested to ponder upon how my wife would view Siamese culture and society. It was to be her first trip outside of China (Excluding a brief visit to Hong Kong), and I was looking forward to gauging her reactions to somewhere completely different.

To Western eyes China can appear mystical, exotic, breathtaking, and completely baffling. During my 7 years living in Canton I guess I have gotten used to a lot of what happens and accept it as how things are. This even extended as far as experiencing a little culture shock when I returned to Blighty last year! I have met many first time visitors to The Middle Kingdom as Chinese refer to their Country. About 10% are frightened stupid and can’t wait to leave the chaos. There are another 20% like myself, Jim, Dave, Denis and Neil who enjoy China very much and who generally like the total madness of the place. Of the remaining 70% I think it is fair to split equally into three parts: those travelling for business, those enjoying a holiday but perhaps not keen to return any time soon, and a large section of English teachers who I tend not to get on with particularly well, certain exceptions granted.

It was against this background that I spoke to Jim in Guangzhou during our most stupid transfer from Toisan to Bangkok – where we ended up in the city for several unplanned hours. Jim, like Neil has spent a lot of time in Thailand, and I mentioned in passing that it would probably be a lot more sensible than China. This brought a large knowing smile to his lips and he proceeded to tell me that Thailand was just as illogical at times, but in a different way. Like the good mate he is he then refused to elaborate on the statement, leaving it hanging for me to find out at first hand. Cheers Jim!

This thought plagued me sometimes during our travels “Thailand is just as crazy and illogical as China – just in a different way”. I have to admit that he is quite correct, as I will explain to you in the following missive.

We pick this up on the morning of Day Two, Day One being solely about our ridiculously detoured transfer to Siam which I have decided to post separately. It involved us visiting three international airports all of which offered flights to Bangkok, one Sea Cat ferry, a white transit van, a tour coach, and a ride on a train. I’m sure Thailand can’t be that illogical, Jim!

This will stand alone given that you are aware our party is a Chinese Group tour consisting of 17 holidaymakers, 1 guide from Guangzhou, and a Thai tour guide I have named Charlie Chan, who hails from Hong Kong. He is speaking in Cantonese as Mandarin was not understood by everybody; and he left us last night with a pretty pink envelope of Thai currency, which we could either purchase from him at a decent rate, or return untouched this morning.

Day Two – Sightseeing in Bangkok

Having finally gotten to bed at 4am, that’s 3am Thai time, I was quite surprised to wake naturally at 7.30 – which would mean I had 4 and a half hours sleep. I left Siu Ying sleeping for a while and gazed out of the window as I took a morning cigarette. The vista before my eyes was of rural life interspersed with modern homes of the wealthy, and shacks from which the poor were emerging for work. Several dogs were sleeping outside and a couple of children of almost school age were playing tag. The vegetation was similar to Canton, but more varied with the addition of coconut palms and stands of mimosa. However, it did not look very much different to my part of China in many respects.

So what was different? Well, they drive on the left of the road like in Blighty, and signs are in Thai script and English, not Chinese and English as I am used to. That seems fair as were are in Thailand ahha! The shacks and standard apartment blocks could easily be Chinese, but the posher houses have a unique style all of their own. This is echoed by the numerous temples which purport very high and pointed roofs. Virtually all temples have prominent gabled roofs offering quintuple staggered endings, and this is employed to a lesser degree in the houses of the rich, where one roof would appear to be resting atop another. The gardens offer lush vegetation with a grand family shrine set to the eastern most corner and the size of a British gazebo. This would be either Buddhist or Taoist I presume. Otherwise the roads look very similar to Chinese ones, but lack the abundant litter usually found in The Land of the Dragon.

Returning to the present I rouse Siu Ying and we get dressed for the day ahead. Breakfast is served on floor 3 and we are the second couple down to enjoy … a Chinese breakfast with slight international leanings. How odd! The idea is that you go to the wall set aside with sumptuous dishes and take what ever you like – which in my case was coffee, fried eggs, cold chips, and miniature frankfurter style sausages. I also tried some pukey green stuff which turned out to be some kind of pickled vegetable with added chilli. Siu Ying settled for something reminiscent of fruit salad soup and a bowl of what should have been Sik Juk or Congee (Rice Porridge). However in China this is cooked a long time so the rice de-glutenizes and you get something thick and sloppy. This here was simply rice in a lot of water – and without any seasoning of course – how very monotonous. There were also offerings of cold boiled rice, cold fried rice, tubs of cooked vegetables and nothing appealing at all to my palate. There was no tea on offer, just a two large metal dispensers with tap at the bottom, one empty with coffee of little consequence, and the other of coconut milk. Nearby were a couple of large salt cellars which contained creamer and sugar, but no teaspoons.

The first point I notice to back up Jim’s earlier assertion is the fried eggs. These are produced using a dinky hotplate of the type Wimpy Burgers are cooked on. There is a nice circular thing to cook the eggs in so they theoretically come out perfectly round. This modern marvel is staffed by four boys in nice hotel uniforms. One is doing the cooking, one is breaking the eggs, and the other two are obviously watching and learning how to cook this most complicated dish. The problem is that you would normally expect these to be cooked to order, or perhaps slightly in advance during a peak period. No! The Master Chef appears to think it best to always have four cooked eggs ready for guests at any one time. Whilst the griddle keeps them from becoming cold, it also continues cooking them, and I like my eggs runny. Oh well, never mind. I ask for some salt and pepper, only to be met with blank stares and gregarious smiles. I’ll take that as a ‘no’ then. It’s at this point I realise I have been speaking Cantonese – so I try again in English, but the result is exactly the same.

Having given up on the condiments I then search around for where they have hidden the cutlery. I find the chop sticks secreted behind the large dish of fried rice, where the large plates are also kept for convenience. I take one and tip my food that is overflowing the side-plate I found at the beginning of this food run onto something more suitable. I later find that the forks are hidden behind the coffee dispenser at the other end of the room. There is also a tray of dessert spoons in the opposite corner near the bowls of goo, one of which I think may contain chilli sauce? There are no knives anywhere. For some weird reason my mind starts replaying ‘The Italian Man Who Went to Malta’, one of the funniest things I have ever listened to. I have a copy somewhere if anybody wants to try it – just drop me a line, but know it plays on deliberately misunderstanding words like ‘fork’ spoken with an Italian accent. Nevermind, just click this Link – and just maybe you will begin to realise how fragile and limited our international understanding really is?

Yes Jim, I am beginning to see what you mean!

We return to the table and get to know Jackie and Jennifer. We are not sure if they are a couple, although she is wearing a western wedding band on her left finger. There is an age difference, which is probably similar to that of myself and Siu Ying. However they are a lovely and entertaining couple. She understands Cantonese but usually speaks in Mandarin. Jackie actually speaks very good English, which is corroborated when he informs us he is a Canadian and has lived in New York for 20 years. He is Cantonese by family and fluent in at least three languages. A little later we are joined by another nice couple and then the Cantonese guide makes her appearance. I slide off for a cigarette, choosing to go outside the front door rather than return to our room. This later becomes our regular assembly point as out of the 19 of us, only 3 do not smoke at all.

Suddenly everyone joins us outside and we are soon on our way to discover the secrets of Bangkok. Inside the charabanc we take up what will turn out to be our seats for the entire holiday. Charlie Chan regales us about the wonders we are about to encounter, before donning his sales cap and accepting Chinese Renminbe in exchange for the Thai notes proffered the night before. Nearly all accept his reasonable offer. I do not as my money is in England, and my card gives me a far better exchange rate. Remember I stated the Thai Baht to Renminbe rate is grossly compromised in Thailand for some reason I do not comprehend – to the point it is three-quarters of what it rightfully should be at 3.5 Baht to the RMB. I am getting 45 Baht to the £ at the ATM, with a Chinese conversion of around 1-10. Meanwhile Siu Ying is giving me mega-grief because I am refusing to spend all our RMB on this one currency exchange. She says I will loose face, whilst I try to explain to her about international currency exchange, something she has no comprehension of. However, we don’t end up in an argument about it, as we simply can’t muster the language necessary between us. I hold my ground and am later proved correct when one of the 4 likely lads tells her I was very cleaver not to accept Charlie Chan’s deal.

There are only three things I want to experience in Bangkok (BKK): The floating market and the main street market, both of which occur only at week-ends. Today is … Sunday, so I presume we will enjoy at least one of them. The other thing I would like to pass by briefly is the hippy road that made BKK an infamous tourist destination. However, we somehow manage not to do any of these things, so they will have to wait for my next visit.

Our first port of call is the Grand Palace, which is a ‘must see’. The roads outside are lined with hawkers flogging various forms of clothing and snacks. Charlie Chan stops at one of them and tells the group this is a good place to buy things. Most do, but we as yet have no Thai Baht. I also reckon he is on a commission for anything bought at this street stall, but I keep my thoughts to myself, as he is actually doing a great job also and there remains truth in his words.

The Grand Palace is awesome! I would definitely recommend any visitor to Bangkok to spend a few hours wandering around its complex. This is quintessential Siamese culture at its very best, and even though the place was humming with the madding crowd, I was left with an over-riding sense of tranquillity, which was on reflection, quite bizarre. I think smoking was permitted on the main thoroughfares, but nobody indulged because this is a Buddhist/Taoist place. Certain areas are specified as non-smoking, and I was first of the group to find the smoking area, which lies just behind the main temple complex towards the main road. Siu Ying passes the message on to the likely lads, and soon we are 5. This spot is so tranquil, set in a lovely garden which most pass by. There is a magnolia tree in full bloom to my right, and we are sheltered from view by a few small palms. I am not sure if you are into things such as lay lines, but if they exist at all, then there is a major confluence here.

Nearby is a temple which is magnificent and worth taking your shoes and socks off to visit. China has this to a limited degree, but years of pro and anti religious leaning has kept it off the development radar. Thailand has suffered no such similar whims of monarchy, and has developed its religious beliefs fully. We are all simply stunned by the amount of decoration and attention to detail this one room contains. Cantonese people tend to revere the female Buddha called Tien Tien, and she appears to be number two in Thai hierarchy, with a bloke known as Dai Dai as number one. He’s the one with a cropped Afro hairstyle who also is usually shown wearing a reverse swastika. I have written a full page about the swastika which you can find here – and this symbol was always for good, before WW2 at least. I am pleased to see my personal Buddha has a good seat – he’s the fat one known as ‘Fat Fat’ in Cantonese, and often depicted entertaining children, or drinking copious amounts of certain liquids.

I have not mentioned our trip to the palace museum, which was probably quite missable. However, just outside was an ATM which worked great, and I was able to obtain 5K worth of Thai Baht very easily. I probably could have got a lot more, but I’m really not understanding this currency conversion yet, and it is more than enough for our present needs. The one great thing about Siam is that there are ATM’s everywhere, although you need to watch the charges on some of them. This one was ok, and we now had funds in local money!

Look, you’ll simply have to see this place yourselves, as our tour is moving on from the palace grounds and headed for a nearby river. We actually walk down the block and cross the road into some sort of wet market come food street. It all feels very Chinese and is similar to one in Hong Kong. The guide asks smokers to accompany him and we go to a shop hidden well back in the interior. The likely lad’s are confounded that they do not sell Chinese cigarettes, so settle for a mixture of 777 and Marlboro, none of which appeal to their palate. I brought two cartons of my smokes with me, not expecting to smoke all of them. These guys it seems assumed that their favourite Chinese brand would be readily available in Thailand = Hello Boys, this is Thailand! It also turns out the prices are extortionate by Chinese standards, but pay-up they do to fulfil their habit. I later end up giving them all packets of Chinese cigarettes : -)

Outside the shop we head deeper into this thronging mass of human endeavours, before turning abruptly up an alleyway wide enough for two people and a dog to pass – how do I know this, because we passed two people and a dog = simple. The alley is perhaps one hundred yards long, and then veers sharp left and confines even more. We appear to be in some sort of local shanty town, as evidenced by the children in rags darting around and keeping the dogs from slumbering amongst the piles of washed clothes. Mothers were preparing foods and cooking outside, just as they do in China, and we all felt quite at home. We then encounter some steps and are immediately entered into ‘The Ferry Terminal’.

There are not enough seats in this small wooden cabin built on stilts for us all to sit, so I give up mine to one of the girls – I know, smooth aren’t I lol. There is a vague sort of sales counter thing hidden beneath the cobwebs and piles of washed or unwashed clothes – it’s hard to tell really? Obviously pretentious presentation isn’t high on the list of Thai ferry service operators. The actual boarding point is in fact an old concrete boat that has a family living aboard, as evidenced by the sleeping bay to the rear of the sales counter, and the woman cooking rice and something of a waterborne nature.

However, what they are really into is going as fast as possible in a severely congested river. They offer two types of boats; the first being a Thai speedboat that is long and sharply pointed. It has a turbo-charged car engine balanced precariously on a rear swivel with a long propeller shaft attached directly to the crank. To stop they simply raise this spinning propeller blade out of the water. These things appear to be capable of nought to 60 knots in a few seconds, as evidenced by the large amounts of spray and wash. The group version is longer and has the engine inboard, but it has similar speed and lack of handling capabilities. We board one of these as Thai people hold the boat to the side and assist us to our seats. This would be illegal in the west, but we are unharmed and soon find our seats. I am presuming this must be Bangkok’s main river, a bit like the Thames is to London. However, it is a working river as evidenced by the commercial boats and tugs hauling many barges. Intermittently a Thai speedboat hurtles in between the shipping, whilst passenger ferries do their own thing in what amounts to a waterborne Piccadilly Circus, with no rules of the road!

First we head demurely downstream, and I get what Jim was on about. We are passing the grounds of the Grand Palace, except somebody has determined to erect a slum on the river front blocking it’s magnificence from view. It strikes me as being totally incongruous. Words like ‘Here is Thailand’ spring to mind. If you think the shanty slums of Rio de Janeiro here, then you will have the mental image I witnessed. And beyond lies the Jewel of Bangkok. How bizarre!

We go to nowhere in particular and then the boat turns around. It is piloted by a young lad in bare feet with the rush of adrenaline in his marrow. Narrowly avoiding a passing tug and its barges, he takes great pleasure in winding the throttle up full and we are all hurled back into our seats by the instant G-force. And so we weave in and out of commercial and pleasure river traffic, at what would be equivalent to doing a hundred miles per hour through a pedestrian thoroughfare. Siu Ying beside me is feeling slightly sick, whilst I know Dave would love this gig. Somebody behind throws up and then we hit a clear bit of river and go for top speed. All to soon we slow to see some fish…

What? This wasn’t on my ‘to do’ list, but it appears to be important to somebody. I do see a lot of fairly large fish near the river bank, sort of Chinese long, blue scaled carp, but over a foot long each. OK, I’ve seen the fish, so now what?

“Care to buy a loaf of bread Sir. Special price to you and your lovely wife, 20 Baht each”.

Thai cons come in denominations of either 20 Baht or 100 Baht, depending on their bravery. I decline the offer and watch as others more affluent bang chunks of bread onto the surface of the river, and laugh as giant and greedy fish have a bunfight. Well, I did not know that Thai fish enjoyed eating bread so much, but then again, why not?

Once the sales pitch has subsided and we either lose interest or run out of bread or money – then its orf to the other shore for an exercise in not getting your feet wet. We are disboarded and balance on prominent rocks above the waterline as we make our unsteady way to shore. Surely this cannot be happening?

The landing appears to be a Thai rubbish collection point, as evidenced by the mounds of rotting garbage and trash. The nearby road offers a large car park and a pavement full of people flogging what they have probably recovered from the nearby tip. We walk down a pavement that has far too many sewage covers over most of its breadth, enough for me to choose to walk in the road. And then our coach appears as out of nowhere. Nice One! The time is now well after midday, so I guess we are off somewhere to sample the delights of Thai cuisine.

I will admit that we were taken somewhere to eat, although anything not Cantonese by nature was definitely not on the menu. You see, I had a foreboding when Charlie Chan appeared to be saying we would be eating at the 7-11. We fortunately passed two of them, before coming to rest behind a third. This also doubled as the entrance to a Chine half-star hotel, and the banquet laid before us was Cantonese. The staff were Cantonese also, to the point where I could just as easily have been in a Cantonese transport café. The meal was only notable because I would not have paid for it, but it was filling and quite good really, just not the merest hint of Thai culinary skills whatsoever.

Replete we all end up outside the main doors dragging on nicotine by 1.30pm. Thailand has a very serious problem with its total no-smoking ban indoors, and whilst I can go along with no-smoking if I am offered a choice– here it is in Thailand. This is now large enough for me to seriously consider never, ever; coming back to this intriguing Country.

The entire stop takes about half an hour before we are all back on the bus again. Within 20 minutes we arrive at some form of Thai stately home. I later learn this is called Vimanmek Mansion, and it is the world’s largest teakwood mansion. Unfortunately the bit we see first are some sort of stables with a museum of horse-drawn carriages, many of which I am surprised to note were made in England. This supports my growing suspicion that the Colonial British Empire and Siamese Royalty were closely linked for some great period of time, supported of course by their driving on the left of the road – something typically of British origin. This thought is later confirmed when we visit the mansion proper.

The teakwood mansion is an impressive building, but kind of drab to my eyes due to it being pained in creams and beige. However, we do see a model and photograph of its original exterior, which has the varnished wood – and boy was that impressive! We have to remove both our shoes and socks before entering, and are given access to view most of the rooms over three storeys. The style is typical Colonial with Thai traits. One drawing room has three grand pianos in it, whilst another two are given over entirely to elephant tusks, complete with muskets and one sub-machine gun on the far walls. I then start noticing things that are identical to my home in England, such as water cabinets of which Siu Ying was surprised to learn I have one made from rosewood. Many of the furniture items are Queen Anne style and beautifully preserved. During the tour I notice many other furnishings that are very similar to mine in Blighty. I reflect that my dearly departed Mother would have loved to visit this house. Its not just the furniture, but also carpets, items of cutlery, china, and many smaller knick-knacks are all exactly like I know from England. I would add that if you have an hour free, then this mansion is very well worth visiting, and culturally very intriguing.

Back outside with or footwear replaced we seem to hang around for 40 minutes not really doing anything much. I check the time on my very stupid phone, only to discover it has switched itself on and is in video mode and making a recording of the inside of my pocket. I am growing to really hate this thing you know! We find some turtles in one of the streams which criss-cross the parklands surrounding the house, and even find one small snake in a rivulet set near a large tree. Eventually it is time to get back on the charabanc and we rush off to be in time for dinner at 4.30pm. Huh! Maybe my Cantonese was at fault?

We seem to enter a sort of dilapidated quarter with narrow streets and roads that are typically like those found in Chinese towns of little merit. Having passed a wet market and a shanty of shops we stop and park in an open space. We are given 10 minutes to go shopping, before we must return to eat hotpot. Thanks Jim, I would have preferred to have spent the 40 minutes hanging around outside the mansion doing nothing here instead, as you can’t really go very far and back with only 5 minutes each way. We get as far as a Family Mart, a sort of 7-11 that sells enough fresh meat, vegetables and fruit to make a family meal. There is even a Tesco’s burger bar in the corner – how odd.

We appear to be first back with the others appearing in dribs and drabs over the next 15 minutes. Before 5pm we are all settled down at tables for six people, quite common in Thailand. There is a typical large cooking vessel in the centre of each table and a long servery from which we can all choose what we would like to cook. We are seated with the nice couple the husband being the one who doesn’t speak Cantonese. He speaks good English, if slightly rusty, whilst his wife is Cantonese by birth. Two of the likely lads are also with us, and we each get a large plate of things to cook and pile it into the central pot. The most outgoing of the lads, let me call him Billy Boster, returns with a couple of bottles of beer which we enjoy immensely. I also follow suit a while later and add a couple more to the table. The nice couple don’t drink alcohol, and it is then I notice they are not eating meat either – that is presuming the crab-sticks are not related to real crab in any form? We actually really enjoy this meal and could quite easily have settled in for a session. However this was not to be as we are soon headed out for a cigarette. How very annoying! The rest of the group joins us over the next few minutes, more by chance than plan.

Charlie Chan appears once more and hands out tickets to ‘The Show’. That’s a new one – what show would that be then? Returning inside I read signs in English promising a Thai cultural extravaganza, which are accompanied by pictures of show girls. The likely lads are very excited and ask me if there will be striptease. I doubt it, but it could get a little risqué seeing as Thai people are completely opposite to Chinese when it comes to matters of procreation.

The show is quite entertaining, which the crowd of several hundred Chinese enjoy greatly. That would be except for three girls who find the performance too promiscuous and rush out with red faces. I can’t actually say there is anything here that could not be shown to western schoolchildren, although it should rightly be classified for adults. The first two parts were in Thai, with the second being quite revealing for the lack of female clothing. Several girls are wearing nipple twizzles on their exposed breasts, just enough to hide their dignity I guess. However, it got no better or worse than this – depending upon your point of view. A couple of the girls did come into the crowd and drape themselves around a couple of the men in the audience, but it was all pretty tame really. This is where the three girls departed, whilst the boys loved it. I decided to shoot a video of some of the acts, only to find my phone was now recording an mp3 featuring … the inside of my pocket! In the process it had almost drained the battery, so I got about 1-miutes worth before it cut off and went to sleep. I decide that from now on I am going to have to turn it off completely. The only problem with this is that it takes about 5 minutes to start up again, so not handy for taking snapshots of passing events. Meanwhile the stage continues to entertain with songs and dance of a variety nature. They are good with many songs in English, and quite a number sung in Mandarin. They are actually miming the words to music, but that does not spoil the audience enjoyment.

The show over we can pose for photographs with the girls and one transvestite who was very obvious and quite a good laugh. They start by charging 300 Baht per photo, but we get them down to 100 eventually, and are about the last to leave. It was all good fun, but not really what I would class an exploration of Siamese culture. Back to the coach and we head off into the night of Bangkok. We reach our hotel around 9pm and there is talk of finding a local street-bar. I am up for it, but inside our room the long day from yesterday begins to catch up with us and Siu Ying decides upon an early night. I think this is actually a good option, so we have an early night. Tomorrow we will transfer to Pattaya and have to be ready to leave by 7.30am.