The Force of Gravity

I was interested to read in The Telegraph this week that Gravity is actually a ‘negative’ force within the Cosmos, which goes a long way towards explaining why our Universe is still expanding. Then we got wrapped up in some scientific theories about Black Holes being vortex or wormholes from which we could theoretically make new Universes. Unlike himself, I’m quite sure you have no interest in these sorts of things.

However the fundamental force of gravity is always regaled as something called ‘The Graviton’. I now have come by new and important evidence that shows conclusively that the Graviton does not exist, and it is actually something far closer to home called ‘The Rhiannon Parallax’.

The first Law of The Rhiannon Parallax appears to be:

If a 9-month old baby can reach it, then it will soon end up on the floor.

The most interesting aspect is that size and weight appear to have no discernable effects within The Rhiannon Parallax. Therefore when faced with moving something the World’s Strongest Man would baulk at, a Baby can soon have this filed nicely on the most convenient floorspace within a second.

For Example:

Just yesterday whilst trying to play with the pretty pink thing on our water machine, The Rhiannon Parallax dictated that various components were not within the correct space-time continuum. The resultant diagnosis was that the water machine actually should be placed horizontally on the floor [Crash!], whilst the full and just replaced water carbuoy was actually a four-dimensional object that needed liberating … and so it rolled around the living room before coming to rest adjacent to a lowly plug socket – which it then proceeded to try and extinguish with fresh spring water [Boom!].

Well OK, so I used a lot of artistic licence regaling that one – but I hope it made you laugh … and do know, the carbuoy didn’t actually fall – if only because I caught it just in time! Rhiannon appears to love the pretty pink tap for the ‘hot’ water supply – so we have moved the entire machine beyond her reach.

Otherwise, anything and everything does end-up on the floor; to the point that unless we require whatever it is, it’s probably safer just to leave it lying there. You see, she’s not quite big enough yet to pick anything up from the floor – and that works for us!

This also proves that the force known as ‘Anti-gravity’ does not work on 9-month old babies … excepting certain physical predicaments where the babies mouth, or perhaps nether regions – may be under internal pressure.

The second Law of The Rhiannon Parallax appears to be:

If a 9-month old baby want’s it and can’t reach it, then sound waves should be employed.

These audio signals are usually in the form of high-pitched screeching, that grow in intensity as the will of wanting escalates. At a peak I am sure this can be heard in neighbouring cities many miles away. However, this actually appears to work, because in order to shut her up, she either gets fed or the object is given to her.

Curiously there does appear to be an indefinite relationship between Laws 1 and 2, because often the object of Law 2 ends up on the floor within a matter of seconds and is forgotten about. At other unpredictable moments, something carefully stockpiled on the floor under Law 1 may be required, and as this cannot be reached from inside the ‘Nonni Chair’; so Law 2 is excised.

The Nonni Chair is a square 8-wheeled affair that is coloured bright orange to indicate approaching danger. It is capable of reaching very high speeds across our wooden floors, and is usually stopped by crashing into something. Very often this is my wife’s ankle, something she in turn does not find particularly amusing. However, Rhiannon thinks this is a great game and likes to practice it as often as she can!

This brings us to the Third Law, which appears to state: The speed and angle of collision with Mother’s ankle multiplied by the level of pain suffered by said mother, is inversely proportional to the effectiveness of both Laws 1 and 2.

As Rhiannon grows and becomes more conscious of the world about her, so we as first time parents also become more aware of the wiles and power of babies. For instance, it appears that her ‘Doe-eyes’ work on me, but not on her Mother. However, it also appears that ‘Baba’ (myself) is only number three most important person. Obviously Mama (Siu Ying) is number one, but I consider this a slightly rigged contest, as she is still breastfeeding to some part – something Nonni and myself both discovered to our shock and horror I was no good at … well she was only 2-months old the only time she tried that one! ‘Gan-Ma’ is undoubtedly number 2, if only because she spends literal hours soothing and comforting Nonni when her mother is not around.

I am quite happy with this situation for the time being, as whilst I have now learned what to do with babies, and understand their crying to a degree (Feed me, sleep, change nappy, etc); she is still a little too young for sustained interaction by yours truly. We play our games in bed, and in the mornings sometimes, but this times are fillers for the main event = Mama.

More importantly, this lets me observe what is going on rather than participating and missing vital development clues. For instance, over the last 6-weeks or so Nonni’s main feed has changed from milk power of liquid proportions, to a heavier paste. More recently this changed to solids such as rice and vegetables mashed with their juices. During this period the weather was also inclemently hot. I was first to notice that her crying now had a new objective, a glass of water. She needed extra fluids, especially because of the weather and change of diet from a liquid form. At first the girls thought I was stupid – “He’s a man, what does he know”, but over the next few days I witnessed them frequently giving Rhiannon extra drinks of water, and we also discovered she loves orange juice, and especially Cola – not something we give her very often by the way.

I refer to Steven Donaldson and an observation from his excellent Gap Series (planned murder in the Council Chamber subplot) where he states to the effect that: “you can either be a part of something and effect the outcome, or you can be an outside observer and understand what is actually going on. You can never do both at the same time”.

Time and again throughout my small life since reading this excellent pentology, I have found this to be a great and universal truth. This is an adaptation of the ‘Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle’, which is a fundamental and slightly entertaining … or; awkward part of quantum theory. Having matured to the wiles of “Schrödinger’s Cat” and “The Lift in Space”, this one’s a doddle! I call it a glop of wibbly-wobbly jelly. Quantum Theory has now been explained to you.

Regards Rhiannon’s progress, at least for the moment my role remains largely that of consistent outsider observing developments = I can see what is actually happening overall. As with the water mentioned above, I can then convey a message to the people who are active within the scenario = my wife and her mother. Obviously they are good mothers both and pick up on these things also, but normally after I do. It works for us, so don’t knock it.

So what have we learnt from this missive?

1. Fathers are useless at breastfeeding!
2. You can either take part and alter the outcome of a situation, or you can observe and understand everything that is happening overall. You cannot do both at the same time.
3. Quantum Theory is much like ‘wibbly-wobbly’ jelly.
4. Women are far better with babies.
5. Babies love ‘wibbly-wobbly jelly”.
6. Most Mother’s don’t understand Quantum Theory, but can make ‘wibbly-wobbly jelly”.
7. Many Father’s understand Quantum Theory, but can’t make ‘wibbly-wobbly jelly”.
8. Mothers do not like having their ankles trashed by high-velocity baby carriages.
9. Crying works when you are 9-months old.
10. If things get boring, clear your desk by dumping all your work on the floor - and then do something entertaining instead.

A baby’s world has now been explained to you – and you had forgotten ever being one hadn’t you!