What
a Week that Was!
This is an
insight into what I do, which I hope you will find both informative and funny.
Friday 22nd July 2005
Today my
new PA Kenny is coming round and we will review last weeks work and plan for
next week. She is a tad late and I am in active mood, so begin to sweep the
floors as they are a mess. Before I finish Kenny arrives with her friend Frank,
who is giving me and my friend Folora Cantonese lessons. We had the first
lesson last night and he is keen to know how much studying I have done, erm … I
dodge the question by saying I am too busy with work and promise to have a look
later.
Although
Kenny is only 21 and has just finished her second year of four at University,
she has taken to the roll of PA extremely well and I am delighted with her
work. She arrives with several translations I had requested, and a list of
things she has done. It has become apparent that many Chinese businesses do not
read their emails, so we have changed approach to direct phone calls = we call
to tell them to check their email. They say they will check the email, but ask
us if we can fax the information instead. Yes we can, but thanks to Microsoft I
cannot set the default fax encoding to one that renders Chinese characters, so
everything that is not English is converted to gobbledegook and looks like a
cross between Cyrillic and Arabic. Ho-hum!
We
complete: current review, work, plans etc, do emails and phone calls, then head
out on the streets. 1st stop is a local water retailer, as the
temperature is between 36 and 39 degrees and I am drinking around four litres
of water per day! A 1.5 litre bottle costs between 2 and 3 RMB.
I decide to
think about it.
Next stop
is the business cards shop, and I place an order for 200 at a cost of Y43.
These cards are double sided, one in English and the other in Chinese. They
feature two dragons opposed with a pearl in the middle. It represents the
Dragon of the
Our plan
was then to visit some travel agencies, but I decide time is against us, so
take Kenny and Frank to a Canadian restaurant called Martino’s. Uncle Sam, a
friend from Hong Kong (HK) wants me to create a Western style coffee shop and
bar in the foyer of a disused hotel on an island near Jiu Jiang. I wanted to
get Kenny and Frank’s reactions to a lounge bar as we would know it in the
West. The style was perfect, although business issues of implementation and
design were raised during the course of our meal, and funding haha!
I decide it
is time to end the day, and so return to clear my emails and look for
webhosting companies.
Saturday
A day off,
especially as Kenny is starting French lessons – poor thing! But later she is
on the phone: We have contact with the boss of a printing company who wants to
know all about my company. Later still, and a local travel agency wants my
portfolio … Kenny starts requesting some video footage of my previous TV ads
and programs. I get through a ton of emails, Find Pearls for Dragons to chase,
and tidy up the week.
Sunday
I meet
Kenny at 11 AM with a truck of books, brochures and pamphlets – she is
impressed and she notes to call these printers on Monday. I send email to
Monday
I awaken at
5 AM – Oh-err! Today I leave at 8am to take an Australian businessman to see
and buy bamboo products, a 2-day trip … I hope I get a good commission on this!
In
We arrive
in the local town of Long Jiang 15 minutes early due to lack of traffic. Jeff
the Aussie businessman and a good friend is ready and waiting for us, whilst
his extremely good PA Stephanie (Step) arrives shortly after. Jeff and I chat
and I mention that I have just sorted some printing companies for export to
Step
arrives and we head for Uncle’s kindergarten – he calls it his
‘kin-der-ry-garden’ and I expect from there to go to a place called Guang Ning
in
After an
hour I notice we are in Foshan City, close to where I live … so maybe we could
have been picked up here and saved a couple of hours of travelling and hanging
around? It’s best not to dwell on these things.
Via Kenny I
chat to Wong, who ia also a teacher and promoter of Events. He wants to know if
I can help him create an international Tour for Traditional Chinese Arts – Kung
Fu, Lion Dance, Acrobatics, singers and Chinese instruments. I say we need to
include snippets from Chinese Opera and he agrees. We decide on a figure of 30
people + I maintain we also need two more as manager and assistant/translator.
I take some time to consider options of bringing this tour to
3 hours of
bumpy roads later, we get to our destination and have late lunch with the local
government representatives. They are charming and I leave with a stomach full
of roast pork and crackling – yum yum!
Next we go
to the local bamboo furniture and products factory – time to do business. Well,
that’s what Jeff and I thought was the plan. Jeff looks around the showroom and
sees many things he would like to buy. We then wait another 15 minutes for the
owner to rock-up and we try to get prices from him. Reluctantly he gives Jeff a
couple of retail prices before slinking off. Hey up! This guy wants to order
several container loads of product and spend Australian money. We discover
where the Manager is hiding, and even more reluctantly he gives another quote
before walking out! Jeff is more confused than I am, especially as the local
government is promoting this. We decide to cut our losses and leave. Just then
the Boss’s wife turns up and starts talking a little more business. We are
still being offered the retail price, not trade price for a 40 foot container
full – but she tries to explain that they are the only factory and make all the
bamboo products in this area. They will make anything we design, OK. But they
can’t really sell anything to us because they have already made enough money
and don’t want the hassle of new business, and especially of the volume Jeff
wants to buy. They also want to take complete control of the export process
(And associated profits), which is something Jeff has had serious problems with
in the past. This is why he now uses Stephanie to handle all his exports from
Kenny
learns a lot and works well with Step. Whilst they all talk up business I sneak
off outside for a cigarette – well nothing has happened yet, nor is likely too
from what I can discern. I am joined by Hester who is interested to know if I
am interested in joining her jewellery business. We agree that I can build a
website to market their products, which in addition to the normal ranges of
rings, earrings etc, also includes sales of precious stones and dust-pictures.
We arrange to meet in
We then
stop at a Jade outlet which is almost opposite, and we all are impressed by the
workmanship. Many of the items are jewellery or small keepsakes. However I
mention this because the star display is a life-sized eagle standing about 5
feet high by ten feet wide. Well, it’s damned big anyway and beautifully carved
from Nephrite in one piece. It must have taken years for the craftsman to make.
The price tag is several hundred thousand RMB, which is probably a bargain in
the West. Awesome!
Heading
back into town we then go to a sort of school. Entering via the basketball
pitch, we go up some rickety stairs to a large room which turns out to be one
of the most excellent Kung Fu academies in
The
performance ended, we head back down the rickety stairs, and re-entering the
Basketball arena, are greeted by a full crowd waiting for events to start.
Apparently we are the Guests of Honour, and so take up seats in the centre. The
stage is set for ‘Lion Dance’, which I have seen before and wasn’t overly
impressed – you know, people wearing lion costumes jumping around outside a new
shopping retail store, etc. This is from a different planet. A hush descends
upon the eager crowd as two sets of Lion dancers appear at opposite ends of the
arena. The band strikes up typical Lion Dance music, with a resonating gong, a drum;
and five others swapping traditional instruments as suits the act best. This is
the first time I have witnessed the Poles version, and wonder at the remarkable
skill of the performers. There are about ten poles, ranging from a few feet
high, to the main jump-walk that is aver 10-feet high. Each ‘Lion’ has two
people inside, one controlling the head, whilst the other is bent over to form
the back and rear. They have to work as a team, and precision is key. At first
the lion is hesitant, and taking a step up, then jumps back in retreat. This
process repeats until the lion is on the upper poles. As weight is applied to
one of the central poles, it collapses and the lion plays at pulling itself
upright again. This then leaves a very large gap for crossing = probably a
standing jump of about ten feet x two people inside the costume + taking off
and landing on what can best be described as a standard scaffolding pole with 4
inch square top. I was totally blown away by this, and recommend anyone to see
a proper performance like this one. Simply Stunning!
Reaching
the end, the ‘Lion’ then has to retrieve a reward, which is done using the
mouth apparatus and jumping. The lion then takes on a jaunty air and retraces
its steps. The previous caution was only to please the crowd, as now this lion
is leaping around all over the place without a second’s ponderance. This is
echoed on the second set of apparatus. The show is not yet over, as the two
lions then battle for other rewards on the ground. It is easy to see who the
senior team is, and I discover they have represented
Authors Comment:
Reposting this some 6 years later, I still
vividly remember these two performances, and the Lion Dance in particular ranks
as one of the most special things
We are then
shown to the very best local hotel, and are given a house to share. It has many
bedrooms, but one too few, so I end up sharing an enormous two double bedded
room with Jeff. We decide there are no issues, so chill, watch TV, shower and
change.
We are late
and the last to report for evening detail! This is to be a meal in the poshest
restaurant in town, courtesy of the Boss of the bamboo factory from earlier …
you know, the one that won’t sell anything to us. Durrrh? We have a great time
and eat some fantastic food. I am seated next to a guy (Mr Wang I think? I am
still hopeless at remembering Chinese names), who has exceedingly good (If a
tad rusty) English, and used to be a designer of aeroplanes for the Chinese
airforce. He invites us to see his gaff, which is also some sort of research institute
– and I wish Yupa were her with me to share these moments. I sneak off for a
cigarette, as although I am free to smoke if I choose to in
Back in the
minibus and a short hop to a bridge, where we disengorge and the following walk
takes us up a steep hill to arrive at ‘The Research Establishment’, a most
curious modern building set in a ‘Y’ shape. We have great views from the top,
but the route from the 2nd to 3rd floors took us outside
and around the building a full 359 degrees. How odd! I actually quite liked
this building, even if it were more suited to being a rich boys imagining in LA
– Here is
We eventually
go back to the house and chat. Representatives from local government arrive
shortly after and start talking kindergartens with Uncle Sam. Jeff and I decide
a beer is more appropriate, so head off to check out the local nightlife. We
complete our escape with Kenny, Step, Hester and Funny Boy (Our new name for
the young Driver).
Nightlife?
I don’t really think so – more like night-dead! I am sure Jeff and I would have
done a street bar, but Hester insisted on a bit more class so we end up in a
Karaoke palace and enjoy the slow side of boredom. Kenny and Step are good
singers, as is Hester when she plucks up the nerve. Funny-Boy continues to hit
unmercifully on Kenny, who is having third thoughts about him by now and wants
to escape hehe! He also maintains that he can drink me under the table, except
I drink two to his one! Then we have an excuse to leave, as Uncle Sam has
called to say he wants to go out for supper and needs Funny-Boy to drive him.
Uncle is asleep when we return to the house – so that would be a ruse then?
Jeff and I
do the sleep stuff; he is concerned that I may snore. I awake at 4am for a
toilet break and catch him giving the snores some hehe! He enjoys a good
night’s sleep.
Tuesday
Awaking I
already know the plan without being told: Traditional Chinese breakfast, which
will include a lot of food, but no coffee!
I presume
the day will go something like: Breakfast, do something, lunch, go home…
I was
right! I could have anything Chinese I wanted for breakfast, but no coffee. I
settle for a couple of hard-boiled eggs, as the Chinese have not worked out how
to put sugar in them yet. Afterwards we pose for snapshots and hit the road. We
try a couple of places that say ‘Coffee Bar’ outside. One turned out to be a
nightclub, whilst the other was a straight Chinese restaurant – and both were
closed. As a last resort we head for the town’s one and only supermarket, where
I find tins of prepared Nescafe! Fantastic – Nescafe in tins, and apart from
being cold, it is most welcome. I buy eight of them and heading out, drink two
before we reach the charabanc. I am soon feeling human again as the caffeine
hits my system … and off we go with a very happy and now fully functioning
Jonno to see … a kindergarten. Oh-err! This is a treat for Uncle Sam and we are
welcome, but not expected to attend – what a relief! I tell Funny-Boy to take
us to another bamboo showroom which we passed yesterday, as I am determined to
try and do something positive for Jeff.
Well; it
appears that this showroom may be connected with the factory from yesterday, or
may not be? The girls inside are not sure who the owner is, and the Manager is
not there today. We buy some small bamboo stuff, and I toy with the idea of
getting some bamboo steamers – which are akin to a Chinese ‘Bain Marie’. I am
introduced to the pleasures of drinking bamboo tea, a most forgettable
experience. Hester informs me this will be excellent tonic for my cough and
poorly ear. I later lean that bamboo health products can cure virtually
anything, whilst my internal music system appropriately kicks in with ‘Lilly
the Pink’ by Scaffold. I also seem to remember one of the three artists
involved was related to Paul McCartney – possibly a younger brother, or
similar? In turn, it is revealed that Hester’s main business is ‘Hong Kong
Health Products’, and she is into all of them! She then feeds me ‘Nine times
burnt bamboo’ tablets for the rest of our trip, which taste just like burnt
salt.
Funny-Boy
receives a call, and goes off to collect the others. They then look around the
showroom, whilst Hester feeds me more bamboo tea. I am not sure I like this
stuff actually, but grit my teeth and smile through the ordeal.
Did I
mention the rest of our trip just now. I would file this under ‘miscellaneous’.
I am fine,
Jeff is cool, and Kenny is learning how to be a real PA during this summer job.
Chinese university students are expected to take a summer job that correlates
to their studies, which we would term ‘Employability’. At the end of her
employment I will have to write a report, supported by picture + video if
possible, and give this to her in support of her portfolio. She will be graded
accordingly by University staff, who will then add this to her overall degree
assessment. In
Regrouping
for the next phase of our journey, we stop and the English teacher who doesn’t
speak much English gets out. He is soon replaced by a young man and child,
complete with guitar and a lot of bags and stuff. I am not sure what is
happening, and nobody I ask seems to know either. We are headed for somewhere,
and will probably go back to Guang Ning for lunch. I think we may return to
civilization for dinner. How wrong was I!
First we
head for an amusement park, except it is a bit low key but does have a mighty
fine water wheel. There are also some charabancs with totally bamboo bodywork
and an intriguing aspect. There are some Hawkers stalls selling … bamboo
products, and Uncle is intrigued by some of the inscribed tablets. I am
actually more interested in the people hereabouts who actually make these
things, often whilst sitting by the roadside. It’s a bit like basket weaving,
but not as you know it. However, I do conclude you have to be mentally insane
to live here (Kung Fu school excluded), and wonder if the restaurant sells Long
Island Iced Tea? Nope, it only sells bamboo food and bamboo tea. Hester thinks
this is Fab! Jeff and I groan feigning polite enthusiasm. I am enamoured by the
thought the locals must have worked out how to make ‘moonshine’ from bamboo –
but I seem to be the only one interested in this diversion. I guess its back to
the charabanc then, and we all pile aboard. Ho-hum!
After 2
hours of bumpy roads we rock-up at this bee place that does vegetarian food.
The squid was delicious, as was the beef by the way. Afterwards we go to a
nearby Buddhist temple set into a hillside. Funny-Boy drops us off near the
entrance, and then reverses over a ton of fruit left out to dry in the sun.
Many arguments thus ensue, and Kenny comments this is not auspicious. I think
somebody paid some money to sort things out – Gezzz! Cantonese women can’t half
shout a lot!
It was not
really my scene, so I went a little way up to the first temple, and gave a
‘thumbs-up’ to my mate ‘Mr Big Fat Buddha’. The local Monks were horrified that
I then ‘High-fived him’, but for me, the Buddha remains a man, and by that, I
intend perhaps the man I aspire to be. = a better person in this life. Chinese
people do see Buddhism as a religion, which I am not at ease with. Western
Buddhism is all about growing as a person, not worship – which I won’t do. It
is my prerogative. Mind you, I have not sorted the re-incarnation bit yet,
except that next time around I would quite like to come back as one of my
Father’s dogs – perhaps the Bullmastiff named George?
An hour or
so passes, and we finally hit the road again. We endure another few hours of
bumpy roads, as they become narrower and bumpier. In order to impress Kenny
with his driving skills, Funny-Boy drives faster and faster. Well, that’s a
winner then. Not!
Eventually
we land, not in civilization per sae, but at a pig farm in the middle of the
behind of nowhere. OK, is this in anyway way, shape or form related to selling
bamboo furniture to
We are
impressed, as this guy has 3, 000 pigs, all in sty’s (Hmmm?) and he uses only a
maximum of 20% of his land. He tells us the other 80% Jeff and I can develop –
maybe for a business, summer camp, or anything really. Say 2, 000 acres at our
immediate disposal. The owner is also very proud of his natural water, so after
visiting the piglet nurseries, we endure numerous cups of Chinese Tea,
accompanied by him extolling the virtuous water. I ask him if he has ever
considered selling the water, which seems to alarm him greatly, and he asks me
why he should ever want to sell his water? I laugh internally as my mind, which
is somewhat focussed on obtaining a water machine and associated carbuoy –
decides to wander of into the realms of possibility concerning marketing
campaigns: Pig Springs Mineral Water, made from our own dedicated pig-swill and
excrement. No – that won’t work - hahaha! Unfortunately I make the mistake of
whispering this out-loud, whereupon Jeff thinks it’s a great idea. I conclude
he is probably pulling my wire, but he appears to be very serious. Then I
remember some other Aussie firsts in commercial advertising, and open that he
may actually be serious on this one. Well, consider what they call some of
their wines! Jacob’s Creek in Aussie speaking doesn’t actually refer to a body
of water, but perhaps a bodily hazard! I battle bravely on, as this tea does
not taste of bamboo – which is a bit like diluted carbolic soap … and don’t ask
me why I know about how that tastes. I was an inquisitive child, OK. Let’s
leave that one there. In fact, I would very much like to leave here, wherever
this is (?), and get back to some form of civilization. We decide to give the
spring water thingymagig a miss, as this guy has probably never even seen
bottled water in his life. The water was very good though. In passing I say to
Jeff that in Oz we could label this as ‘Pigs Piss’. He howls with laughter, and
then tells me “It’s a winner - Gowd on yur m8!”
He suggest we sell it in corked champagne bottles, and I know he is
taking the piss, just as I am lol. Meanwhile, Kenny has excused herself from
within earshot, and I guess she was perhaps taking us literally. However, Step
is not phased at all, and just considers us to be ‘Stupid Boys’ - which we
probably are?
Out of our
party, I am developing the deepest respect for Step. We have been friends now
for over a year, yet I discover she is a very clever Lady, but open to the
mistakes of others humanity. She is not Chinese, but a Malaysian Piano teacher
by right, and I learn her Grandfather has roots in this part of
Bless him,
but Jeff did try to do the organic produce thingymagig; but it is a world apart
from the farm we are at now, in the middle of nowhere. We were thinking along
the lines of Western style produce displays an servicing, + marketing. Jeff
explains that companies and better class restaurants will pay a premium for
natural and organic produce. The owner’s son totally misses the point, stating
that most pigs are reared in other provinces. However, he is very proud to
state he has increased the pig herd by over 2, 00 during the last year. That’s
a lot of piglet’s! However, this is all the wrong type of intensive farming,
and I ask him why he only uses sty’s – why not let the pigs run free? He appraises
me as if I may be Commander Zogg from the spaceworld conurbation Aspirates
Expulsae. But I simply don’t get this bit – why not let the pigs roam free? He
has 2, 000 acres at his disposal, which is ideal for pigs, and/or he could get
into wild boar, also esteemed in
This area
is very poor. It would seem to be the ideal place to develop an ethical trading
produce facility with somebody like ‘Body Shop’. Except Bodyshop won’t come to
Back to the
story, and we are still at the pig farm in the middle of outer nowhere,
somewhere in
So we enjoy
more chatting, and enjoy even more tea made with special water. We agree that
we can develop a fun-farm and summer camp here. Great! You have any investors?
Nope! Neither do we - However, we do want to market your excellent water, which
is greeted by consternation and blank looks! Ho-hum! Good byeee!
We leave
and after half an hour of passing fields being ploughed by oxen with wooden
ploughs, we finally hit upon a tarmac road. Yippie! Within the last mile I had
counted 15 oxen with ploughs plus 7 mechanical versions which employ the front
end from a ‘Chinese tractor’. There were also countless families doing it all
by hand with shovels – the Chinese paddy fields are one of life’s hardest
places for sure. I may have mentioned to you previously that the traditional
Chinese greeting is ‘Hello, have you eaten (rice) today?’ After witnessing at
first hand the paddy fields and people turning mud by hand, I understand better
why this great nation has a fear of starvation … Have you eaten today?
It turns
out we were not actually very far from Gao Ming, so 30 minutes later we arrive
outside the vegetarian restaurant in Long Jiang. This is actually a very good
eatery, even for those accustomed to eating meat. However I am very tired and
conspire with Kenny to try and make our escape. However, this doesn’t really
work out, so we sit down to dine in a small private room. The staff recognise
me immediately and most say Hello in English. Uncle helped set up this
restaurant, and advises them on cooking techniques and new dishes. I was also
present a few months ago for their grand opening ceremony which included many
local dignitaries, plus an English teacher called Caroline from
The private
room is actually ok, and Uncle chooses a wide range of dishes. Meals with Uncle always start with soup, and
on this occasion he has ordered sweet pumpkin soup. I usually find Chinese rice
to be a little dry, so ask uncle to order special rice which is served in a
mild coconut milk sauce. This is joined by one of my favourite dishes, potatoe
and broccoli curry. This also has small bits of capsicum peppers and celery in
it and is very delicious. Uncle also enjoys this immensely, but the others are
not so keen. Other dishes arrive including: what looks and tastes remarkably
like salmon, string mushrooms wrapped in something, a flat Chinese omelette
with fine pieces of some green vegetable in it, sweet and sour something that
resembles pork balls, and several other dishes of indeterminate origin or
resemblance.
The meal
draws to a close and I have a small and friendly argument with Jeff over who
will pay the bill, and shortly afterwards Kenny and I depart. Kenny is very
concerned about finding a taxi in a town that doesn’t have any of its own, but
she forgets I am a local hereabouts. I take her for a short walk and we soon
find where the visiting taxis hang out. You see – it always works out.
During our
time in the charabanc Kenny continued teaching me very simple Cantonese, and I
now seem to have remembered how to ask somebody if they want to do something
with me. I am very pleased with my new language skills : -)
Arriving
back in Foshan I am dropped off first, as I’m still not too good with giving
taxi drivers directions. The taxi fare is fixed by agreement earlier, so I hand
Kenny enough to cover it and head for my gaff. The hour is quite late by now,
but I check emails and chat to Yupa and Carla on messenger. Carla is now
running an independent record label, and is building a new website to host the
expansion of business and direction. Later I tell Carla about Kenny’s friend JJ
who has recently opened a recording studio in Foshan. Apparently he is able to
record full bands or single artists and mix it in a karaoke sort of way as
required. He then masters it and produces a CD. I mention that maybe we could
we should start a Chinese version of her Melodrift and she is interested. Later
she also gets the support of her partner Wes, so I promise to look into possibilities.
She sends me some documents and contracts which will come in very useful.
I also have
a quick chat with Step, and she sends me a load of photos from our recent trip.
I retire to the living room and consider that life in
Wednesday
I already
know this day will not happen for Kenny or myself as we are both exhausted from
our recent trip. Working from home, Kenny does arrange two appointments for
next week and does some research plus a few minor translations. She has also
researched Chinese webhosting solutions, but they are not really what I am
looking for except for the top end ones that are almost as expensive as their
I finish
sweeping the floors – a job I started on Friday, and make a note to mop them
sometime soon.
I then head
out to the main local hospital, as my right ear has been blocked solid since
Sunday. This place is massive and more like an airport in size. I eventually
work out where ENT must be, and loiter around with intent whilst staff rush
about and people queue. I eventually attract attention from somebody who speaks
a little English. I learn that before they will treat me I will have to pay.
That seems a bit Irish to me, as how will the teller know how much my treatment
will cost? I locate the pay section, which is rammed; and eventually decide
this is going nowhere. I retrace my steps, and then carry on to the local
private hospital. This place is far better. I get greeted in reception and then
shown directly to a Doctor, who speaks a little English. I explain the problem
and he knows just what to do. He then gives me a prescription and a nurse takes
me to the counter where my paperwork is processed and I pay what is required. I
am then led into the treatment room, which has several others attached to
drips. Chinese do not give aimless bulk injections into a convenient muscle.
Instead all medicines are administered intravenously, which makes a lot more
sense. I am seated and the Doctor reappears with a very large needle. I watch
querulously whilst a nurse tops it up with ice cold water from the tap. My misgivings
soon bear fruit, as the syringe (Minus needle) is lifted to my ear and
depressed quickly. My senses jolt as the water enters my ear, and then they
pear into it to check progress. That hurt! Before I can stop them a second icy
jet is administered and now my ear is in some pain. I quickly get out of the
seat as a third one is being prepared. I know this is not going to work, and
thanking them profusely, leave as quickly as possible.
I realise
then the only way to get this properly sorted is to visit a foot massage
centre, with the one in the centre of town being my number one best bet. They
have an excellent ear cleaning specialist who has a small light and many
delicate tools especially for probing around in ones orifices. But first I head
home and try using the bicarbonate of soda a friend brought me out from
Some hours
later I am working at my computer and put on some music. I check the headphones
are actually working on both channels with my good ear, but still find I can
hear nothing from the right channel. Out with the orange sticks and bicarb
again. This time I do get hearing in that ear which appears to last, but I am
not convinced it is 100% yet. I will have to go and see the ear woman quite
soon. I stop trying to use the headphones and put on the main speakers instead,
whilst I continue to work at my desk. I become quite absorbed in my task, when
I feel something brush my cheek. Startled I look around, only to see what
appears to be an Oxo cube lying nearby on the floor. Well that wasn’t there a
moment ago? Examining this I am horrified to discover it is ear wax. I am a
clean person! Uggggg! I start probing again as I still can’t hear properly with
my right ear. After 30-minutes of probing I know I have found my eardrum, but
my ear is very painful by now. Time for some appropriate anaesthetic for
satisfying both my physical and emotional needs. Ahhh, Bacardi and coke,
excellent!
I wrap up
work whilst listening to a Liu Fang CD. She is a brilliant artist and has a
fantastic voice. Later I watch the DVD Mr and Mrs Smith – which I hear has just
been released in
Thursday
Ahha!
Thor’s Day has arrived, and you would think he was using his hammer to bludgeon
the skies above. But I know this is
I have
asked Kenny to come round later today for our weekly official meeting, so make
a coffee and fall asleep to the DVD Andromeda Series 2. I awaken to find the
DVD has finished and I have an untouched cup of cold coffee. I drink the coffee
and its ok-ish, but also make a fresh and hot one. Looking around I decide I
should actually put the brush away, and am very pleased with my freshly swept
floors. I must mop them … later. I also fell asleep with the air conditioner on
and feel very cool! Unfortunately the rest of my gaff is at 38 degrees, the
rain outside has stopped, and the smog has come out.
Kenny
rocks-up around 11 am with Chinese medicines for my cough. She is a moon!
(Chinese for ‘She is a star!’). She then goes into the kitchen and proceeds to
boil bits of bark and twigs and berries in a saucepan. After an hour or so of
her witches brew bubbling away in the makeshift cauldron, she presents me with
the resulting fluid + she added sugar for me to taste. Bless! It is ok actually
and I drink a whole bowl of it. She explains that I will need to have a second
and third dose of the potion, so I assure her I know what to do.
Aside:
It is now Sunday, and I appear to have a mess
of green goo in a saucepan, with bits of things that used to be alive in it. It
smells akin to a stagnant pool in the height of summer. Maybe I will skip the
second dose then? I guess I should
actually throw it all out before it turns black, or starts growing! Crikey!
Anyway, thank you Kenny, one dose was enough
and my cough has vanished. I will actually use Chinese medicine again, so
please pardon my Western irreverence – this stuff works, and that’s good enough
for me!
Argggggh!
Mrs ‘Big Boss’ female Buddha thingymagig is almost out of water. Yupa says I
have to give her water and 4 oranges … or maybe I could introduce her to orange
juice instead? Perhaps if I use the stuff that has bits in the bottom she will
find this acceptable? I will give it a try and see what happens. My mate, Mr
‘Big Fat Buddha’ is still laughing, so I guess that’s ok then.
Gezzz!
Thursdays! I hide the mop (So as to avoid temptation), water the Buddha, and
drink witches brew for breakfast – and the real day hasn’t even begun yet!
Kenny and I
review and then plan ahead. Our real day will be spent on the streets of Foshan
(Cantonese = F-saan-a); business cards will be ready for collection at 3.30, so
first step is to adjourn our meeting to lunch in a local restaurant. We dine on
sliced beef, gnarly black toad in black bean sauce, and a superb Sichuan
Chicken – Mmmmmmmm! Delicious (Cantonese = Ho mai; I think?).
Later we go
to the business card shop and collect my first business cards in
Time to tap
up the local travel agents, and they go in order: local new private business,
regional business, and national version. Reversed order suits us best, so
meeting the national guy he simply says ‘yes’, but never smiled once. The
regional one was a tad better, and they also had a specialist department
catering for the needs of travellers in foreign parts – it was ok and maybe
ideal for Chinese travelling to the West. However, I didn’t get a real business
vibe here either – it was more along the lines: ‘We will provide the service
and you will pay for it’. Not quite what I was looking for, as I need some proactivity.
I really
liked travel agent numero uno, who we visit last. Entering we are soon in
discussions with the owner. His main business is running a fleet of Foshan
buses, and this travel agency is a sideline. However, he is very interested in
our ideas and really gets into the Kung Fu school we propose. He then starts
discussing the production of posters and general promotion, to the point where
he asks if we would halve the cost of promotion to Chinese people with them?
He’s putting money into this then! Although I could understand little of the
Cantonese spoken, I read his expressions and body language, and especially his
eyes = this is proactivity! Superb! I was so pleased when Kenny confirmed my
observations. Numero Uno rules!
Result! So
now time to sort some minor personal problems. I take Kenny to ‘gwai wah fo
chong’, which is the largest local Chinese supermarket, which is a massive
place + upstairs is as big again. On the way I buy hair bands that a boy can
wear, as my longer hair is making my neck really hot these days. We go upstairs
as I want to purchase a pocket translator that has: English, Mandarin,
Cantonese, Pinyin (Mandarin written using the alphabet), and speech. They don’t
have any.
The girl
behind the counter is actually playing with one that has: German, French,
Spanish, Russian, S. Korean and Japanese. She then demonstrates the 16
languages it has, and offers us the ‘speech’ version for a few sample words.
English and Mandarin are of course included, as is Pinyin. Then it transpires
that although it doesn’t actually have ‘Cantonese Language’, if we turn it into
‘Traditional Chinese’ (Which is written Cantonese) – then full functions are
available…
Here is
I feel like
basing my head against a brick wall!
The time
has now moved on to 4.30 pm, and ideal for catching JJ at his studio. So off we
go and soon are welcomed by JJ, who is a lovely guy and has a great studio. Kenny
is brilliant, although I remain unconvinced that what I say, and what they
understand are equivocal, but we chat about it for several hours. JJ’s Father
has some great input, and then his Brother joins us. You know, I really would
like to work with these guys, and I am sure they have a great future. I
seriously need to check out the China music industry, and especially the
government policy regarding copyright issues and royalties; but if the
information I have gained so far is sound, then I think we can work together to
make this truly international.
We leave
around half six, and I leave Kenny at a nearby petrol station where her mother
will collect her. She actually lives about 5-minutes walk away, but it seems
her mother is passing by soon, so I leave her to it. I buy a pack of cigarettes
from a local vendor, and head off for a pint to clear my head – what a week!
I soon
arrive at John’s Bar (no relation), which is a truly western bar and the only
place in Foshan that sells a real pint of draft beer = draft Tsing Dao. It is
cool and I order a second pint + burger and chips. Wow! No Maccies cardboard in
the burger. Apart from this place and Martino’s, there is ONLY MacDonald’s
here. Hello Wimpey, Burger King, Wendy’s! I make a mental note to email said
companies. I guess I should also email Pizza Express whilst I am at it as well,
as they would do a bomb here. Instead we do (and only) have Pizza Hut, which is
not in my personal top ten. Neither are they in most Chinese peoples top ten
either. Oh, that reminds me, I also have plans for a take-away, but need some
proactive support from
I am so
pleased I remembered all that, and will ask Kenny for assistance next week. I
am now happy and head off to the best foot massage parlour in town, to sort my
ear basically. Along the short walk I am accosted by child-beggar-rings and
prostitutes. Nightmare! They are basically restricted to this small area of
town, where all the best international hotels are. One migrant with a baby on
her back shouts ‘fucky-fucky, 150RMB’ at me as we pass. I answer her in
Spanish, which quite throws her. I also throw in a bit of French for good luck
hahaha!
Then the
obscurity of it all hits me … am I becoming ‘multi-lingual!’
Aside: Both
John’s Bar and the Foshan Hotel opposite are where rich foreigners hang out. I
am not one of those, but am treated equally. Later an attractive girl offers me
full sex for Y200, (say £8), but I ignore her because a child in grubby rags
has now attached itself to my leg, whilst banging my thigh with a begging bowl.
I bypass this lady of the night with due haste, as I am in love with my
girlfriend Yupa, and she is the only girl for me.
I then start to move quickly, as a younger and
possibly female child is trying to attach itself to my free leg. I will guess
their ages to be around 3 or 4 years old. These children are bought from rural
farmers who cannot afford to feed them, or are in contravention of
Back to the
present, and child number two fails to grab onto my rapidly moving free leg.
Then the one that is still attached starts banging the sharp edge of his bowl
into my lower knee cartilage. He is very good at it – and soon leaves my
company, sliding several feet down the pavement. The Minder then appears and
starts berating me in Mandarin. However, I stop to check this urchin is
actually ok, which he is, and chuck him under the cheek, and departing wish him
better luck next time.
I will give
not give these people money, but I will give them food, clothing, or anything
else I have that is appropriate. I once offered this Minder KFC fries, and she
spat me in the face. Learn your lessons as to whom is actually in need well. That
incident finished when her friend threw the food back at me and started calling
me a lot of names in some indefinable language. A third then attempted to put
the street-scrapping down my trousers. I am not so naive anymore, and simply
ignore these parasites + I hope the ‘godfather’ has a fatal accident with his
Benz (Mercedes to you and I). However, I do worry about these children. Enough
said!
I soon
arrive at the massage centre and being inducted, ask for a ‘special girl’
(Which means one who is properly trained and knows what she is doing – the
other thing is called ‘Extra service by the way’ in case you wondered?). This
also means I get VIP service for the duration of my visit. I wait whilst the
team assemble, and then a Manageress appears and confirms my requirements. I
book for two hours, special girl, a cold beer, and ear treatment. Accepted, she
departs quickly as her headphone mike is a chatter of noise.
The beer
promptly arrives, and I sit and take in the surroundings. I am in a room for
two people, with a 48-inch TV opposite. There are also shadow screens on the
walls and ceiling, whilst my seat also has a flip-up computer LCD screen
complete with mouse and keyboard. I check a couple of unimportant email
accounts to pass the time and turn on the sports channel. Then the special girl
arrives with a bucket of scented water that is just too hot for me. She exits
promptly, and soon returns with cold water, which is added to a point where I
am comfortable. I soak my feet whilst the girl administers an upper back
massage, and time begins to flow. Some time later I am found lying down on my
back in this recliner armchair, when the pedicure guy shows up. He does my
toenails with something that looks like a quill, and then uses a straight blade
not dissimilar to a flat chisel to hone my callused feet. Perfect job! Some
food nibbles arrive and I am truly pampered as the masseuse expertly demonstrates
her skills. The two hours is almost up, and still no ear person, which is
actually my whole point of being here. The masseuse telephones for
confirmation, and she will be here very soon. Time passes whilst I luxuriate in
heaven on earth. I query, and then make a third reminder about the ear person,
this time projecting an agitated persona. More telephone calls and I am quoted
Y150 RMB + given her personal phone number. Hmmm … not quite what I had in
envisaged! Mind you…
I catch a
cab home, just in time to chat to Yupa on messenger, then later watch CSI on TV
and fall asleep on the sofa.
Tomorrow is
another week, but I don’t really care – I love my stereo hearing very much!
What a Week
that Was!