Click to Read: Destination China! - July 2004 (4 Pages)

Details Jonno's first flight and arrival in China. Includes highlights of a jet-lagged first day and later exploring of a small town in Guangdong.

What a Week that Was!- July 2005 (10 Pages)

Describes a hectic and amusing week of mixed business and social situations as Jonno tries to make sense of operating a small business in China.

Agency Work in Nepal - January 2006 (1 Page)

A short article with focus on the obstacles faced by ordinary tour guides in Kathmandu, who go on to form their own company.

My Day in China - April 2006 (3 Pages)

One crazy day that exemplifies the common expression "Here is China"!

A Day Trip to Shenzhen, Day 1 - April 2006 (5 Pages)

Jonno's first visit to Shenzhen was supposed to be for a business lunch meeting with directors of our jewellery company (Debonaire Gems). The plan was to sign for a shop lease in the afternoon, after which he would return to Foshan.

A Day Trip to Shenzhen, Day 2 - April 2006 (4 Pages)

Having stayed overnight in Huizhou, Jonno experiences the calamity of Chinese planning in what turns out to be a great waste of time.

A very funny missive from summer 2006 that was lost due to a virus. It concerns the Chinese love of blowing car horns, and this epic is related to a very simple accident involving a car and a tricycle.

Now semi-recovered in hardcopy, this missive is waiting to be rewritten.

A Christmas Letter - December 2007 (7 Pages)

An eventful week begins by looking back over the preceding year, giving the first time reader a good background to the present.

Jonno then describes the current week leading up to Christmas Day; which has a heavy business schedule of factory visits and a container to fill for export. Jonno's good friend and client Dave is over from UK, so the sourcing team, export team, and socialising team are all hard at work.

In between times, Jonno signs, opens and staffs a new office. He also moves home with the aid of his wife Siu Ying and family friend Tong Len. Most of this occurs during the hours of darkness. Then Jonno also spends two evening playing Santa Clause for the local restaurant, and meets up with his friend and acoustic guitarist Ng.

Village Life in Guangdong - February 2008 (14 Pages)

This missive details the lives of ordinary rural farmers celebrating Chinese New Year in Tai Shan City, Guangdong. The village is like a time-warp compared to modern city life, but the local traditions and warm welcome make for a fascinating read.

Island Bound - October 2009 (9 Pages)

Most readers will have moved house at one time or another. Those of you who have completed these trials with planning and forethought will be confounded by just how stupid Jonno and Siu Ying were about this particular move.

The sad tale detours to reflect on issues such as teaching in China, and his good friend 'Serendipity'; before the chaos of packing home descends upon our unlikely heroes.

We leave this missive with Jonno concluding that he may be the only person who is aware they are going to live on an island in the middle of a 3-mile wide river.

Island Ahoy! - October 2009 (20 Pages A4)

We continue this tragic tale of stunning stupidity as Jonno and Siu Ying leave Foshan and head off towards their new home on an island in the Pearl River.

Jonno's suspicions are confirmed when parking on the ferry ramp, he is assailed by driver and boss wanting to know if they are seriously expected to use the ferry. Meanwhile; Siu Ying is not speaking for some reason.

Friends then arrive to assist, and before long calamity has been replaced by total confusion. Here is China!

Island Life - October 2009 (16 Pages)

Jonno and Siu Ying settle in to life on the island and cope with an inadequate power supply. Telephone, internet broadband, and cable TV services are made available, and the house is re-wired.

Outside they both make friends within the small and enclosed local community, enjoy the pleasures of a rural peasant lifestyle which concludes with National Holidays and a troop of Cantonese Opera visiting the island for three days.

Carry On Up the Restaurant - November 2009 (14 Pages)

Jonno continues his unique glimpses of rural Chinese island life in this hilarious missive that could not have been imagined. We begin with a windswept meal at an island restaurant so reminiscent of the classic scene from 'Carry on Up the Khyber'.

The missive becomes snapshots of island life as a series of mostly unrelated events unfold. In one, after a great evening out with friends in a nearby town, we find Jonno bewildered by a hangover whilst having the house re-wired. Later a puppy comes to share their home, whilst other events happen to them as they interact with and observe island society.

Bandit Country - November 2009 (5 Pages)

A shorter missive describing the local town, its improvements in progress, and Siu Ying's Birthday meal. Later Jonno recounts the local restaurant and its strange toilets, whilst around life continues with gay abandon.

One interesting aspect is that because of this missive, Jonno has been contacted by Vilma who's family (nowadays living in California and Costa Rica) used to own the main Police station. He is now helping them reconnect with their ancestral roots.

The title relates to this being on the ancient Chinese border between areas controlled by the Emperor, and those of the barbarian people across the river.

32-Hours in Hong Kong - December 2009 (12 Pages)

A comic description of a trip to Hong Kong for a new visa. Jonno at his best with this funny missive about what life throws at the unwary. First he must travel to Guangzhou to collect his passport, before travelling to Hong Kong via Chinese Railways - a most excellent experience!

In Hong Kong he has nothing to do, so spends time at Cafe Fountaine where he meets Jim Chenoweth for the first time, an Expat who will feature in future tales.

7 Days Before Christmas - Christmas 2009 (8 Pages)

A very busy week sees Jonno back in Foshan with old friends and new comedy's of errors. But first he subjects Jim to a 'Chinese Wedding', his first.

This is probably one of Jonno's funniest missives, if only because he tells it as it actually happened, and from an immature male perspective.

The Christmas Present - Christmas 2009 (9 Pages)

Having survived the week above, Jonno and Siu Ying return to their island home, and ordinary lives. However, nothing remains the same in China for long, and this missive recounts the week concerning the birth of their first child: Rhiannon.

This missive is a must-read for anyone giving birth for the first time in China - and it all went very smoothly. Paul Yuan was the most helpful friend seeing our half-witted heroes through this turning point in their lives. Thank you Paul.

2-Days in Guangxi Province - Jan 2010 (12 Pages)

Jonno is off again on his travels, this time to neighbouring Guangxi Province for two days, most of which is spent in a car comfortable for four people - with 5 people on board.

Fortunately for him, Guangxi people all speak Cantonese. For those of you wanting to understand just how 'China' works, then this is a great place to begin.

Reflections - Feb 2010 (12 Pages)

This missive begins with Jonno visiting his wife and daughter in Toisan, which is spiced with great insights into the small things of life. Returning to the island he and his dog Be Loi have a new resident join their home in the form of a frog.

This missive covers the period before and through Chinese New Year and includes his landlady dropping by to honour the ancestors and replace the red bunting. Meanwhile Jonno muses on his life as a father, and ponders the future for his daughter - What will the world be like in 20 years time? Should she be British or Chinese? Should she be educated in UK or locally?

Travelling at Chinese New Year - Feb 2010 (9 Pages)

Jonno heads for Hong Kong to renew his Chinese visa. His outward journey is easy as he uses the local ferry to Hong Kong for the first time. The return journey is a lot more tiresome. In between he recounts his experiences as told through the people he meets along the way.

Qing Ming - March 2010 (15 Pages)

This interesting letter relates the Chinese traditions associated with honouring their ancestors, which is a public holiday and special event for all Chinese peoples. This is often known as either 'Grave Cleaning Day' or 'Tomb Sweeping Day'.

Tree Frogs - April 2010 (2 Pages)

A short ramble about combating an invasion of Tree Frogs.

Family Life in The Village - May 2010 (7 Pages)

Returning to his wife's parental home to spend time with his daughter, Jonno describes the daily life of the family and neighbours - as observed over the course of several visits. We learn about the roles of men and women in rural China, that kindergartens teach 3-year olds' English, and that Yee Lo now has a fish business.

Whilst not one of his funniest missives, it offers an extraordinary look at the lives of one rural community. We leave with Siu Ying looking for an apartment for them in Toisan, as Jonno decides the time is right for them all to live as a family of three again.

Exodus - June 2010 (17 Pages)

Jonno and Siu Ying find a lovely apartment in Toisan and plan their move, which is set for around Monday 24th June. Fate conspired to keep Jonno busy during the week before as he first attends 'Bad Boys' wedding in Foshan, and then has to go to Hong Kong for yet another visa. In between we learn what E=MC2 means regarding boys eating beans on toast with extra chilli sauce.

Jonno then enjoys a hilarious time in Hong Kong before returning to finish packing the island home. We leave this missive with them finally en route to their new home ... to be continued.

The Elephant in the Corner - June 2010 (5 Pages)

This missive picks up from the last and details the move into the new apartment and settling into different surroundings. Everything is well except for 'The Elephant in The Corner', which eventually brings tears to their eyes and great suddenness to their family.

Thor's Hammer - July 2010 (6 Pages)

This missive finds Jonno in fine form regaling us first with the unseasonable thunderstorms, as he explains what the days of the week really mean. This is accompanied by a flooded apartment which has wooden faced MDF floors throughout. Ouch!

He then waxes lyrical about Ireland and goes on to explain what a third cousin thrice removed could mean - not something most of us can easily comprehend.

Later guests arrive to spend the night, and we take in 'Chinese Tea', which is basically a posh style of traditional Chinese restaurant. An entertaining missive, both instructional and funny in places.

Moving Along - August 2010 (4 Pages)

This missive relates to Jonno's life and his habit of changing homes very often - which we gather is mainly through circumstances and not from choice.This mini-biographical work centres on the last eight years, and the nine homes he has lived in during that time.

Perhaps more importantly, we learn about 'Chinese Contracts'; what they are really worth, and how they can be applied. Westerners often view 'A Contract' as being something definitive, whereas many Chinese appear to see these as simply an agreed place to begin (changing the rules).

Toisan Gaff Video Walkthrough - August 2010 (Short Page + Video)

Very short page dedicated to making a video of their new apartment available online. Jonno takes us on a tour of their new home with commentary - taken with his stupid mobile device. Very interesting if you want to actually see real life in China today.

This 11 minute video has been nicely reduced in size so downloads easily, and can be watched in virtually any browser.

Boys and Motorbikes - September 2010 (5 Pages with Pictures)

This missive departs from the common theme and finds a young Jonno learning all about motorcycles with his teenage partners in crime: Ian Brown, Poly, Rex Rees, Roger Farmer, Jeoff Peck, Pete Harrop, Woody ... and many others.

Highlights include:

• Seeing if a Messerschmitt 3-wheeler will actually go as fast backwards as it does forwards? (It does ... but becomes a tad unstable around 50mph).
• A Matchless G9 500cc single that catches fire all the time; a Squariel with chair, a B24, and a Velocette MAC. Later Poly's BSA Rocket with 'ape hangers', a Bantum with Villiers 200cc engine welded in place, and a Lambretta scooter all join the fray.
• Learning how to drive in a split-screen Morris Minor convertible.
• A standing quarter mile contest for all contraptions - held in a field 460 yards long = sometimes 'boys' are very stupid! Fortunately the hedge survived after we put out the fire...

Visa Nightmares - September 2010 (7 Pages)

Since early 2007, or 1-year before the Beijing Olympics, Chinese visa's have become a nightmare for long-term foreign residents in China. This missive details Jonno's visa nightmares, and also includes renewing a passport in Hong Kong + staying local with a Filipino family group; and focus's on a visa policy that changed every 15 days for several years, without prior warning.

Near the bottom of this missive Jonno describes how the new 'Family Visit Visa' has dramatically altered his life + he explains in detail how he got one.

This letter is primarily intended for other Expat's suffering similar circumstances, although general readers may find it enlightening for different reasons.

This Old Man - September 2010 (8 Pages)

A missive dedicated to Jonno's Father, and a thinly veiled criticism of Staffordshire Health Services in UK - something you may have read about in the press?

This missive is not for general reading, but it does highlight their atrocious records which push meeting targets before delivering actual healthcare, including keeping patients alive!

Jonno intimates that Stafford DGH may have killed his Mother, but we are not sure. We do know that he deeply respects the staff, but worries about his Father's incarceration in said hospital. His Father's tale is told through his own words, and we should wonder if this is really what we should be doing for the needy?

Summer in the City - September 2010 (7 Pages)

One of Jonno's most popular recent missives where he returns to earlier themes and recounts more about his crazy life in China. In particular he first condemns his mobile phone, and spends much of the rest going on about computers. We would give this one a miss, except he somehow lets us know about life in China

The missive finishes with him back with his beloved pc, and he then discoveries his wife is a midnight-snacker for English bread with chilli sauce. Nothing else - just bread and chilli sauce - but it is a cultural breakthrough.

We also learn that Nonni is now talking, as we ponder the deeper meanings of her favourite phrase: “aurjah, da da da da da, eiyeio”. Jonno thinks this is very important...

A Visit to See the Doctor - September 2010 (4 Pages)

The gallant family is beset by 'Chinese Eye Flu' which is nowhere near life threatening, but a pretty miserable experience. Our intrepid explorers head-out in search of local Chinese medical facilities, with excellent results. If you want to know how local Chinese medical facilities actually work, then this is a good one.

Meanwhile Siu Ying gathers up a load of vine-like leaves from some waste ground and cooks up a soup never destined for the tables of the rich and famous. However: It works!

The Force of Gravity - September 2010 (3 Pages)

Jonno on superb form with this excellent and short missive about 'Wibbly-Wobbly Jelly'; sometimes also known as Quantum Theory, or a Babies view of the world.

Never laughed so much in ages!

Toisan Times - December 2010 (7 Pages)

Informative series of diary entries about living as a mixed family in a modern Chinese City. The tone is more an update and sees Jonno looking back over several months and explaining more about his unusual life where he is working to help Vilma in Costa Rica and Ezaz from Norway.

The Few - December 2010 (4 Pages)

A most informative missive for those who do not understand why the financial crisis happened, or do not know why Britain is now considered by the Germans to be a Province.

Jonno lays it bare in ways you should think seriously about, whilst adapting the words of UK's only Statesman of the last Century to great effect in the modern world.

The Ghost's of Christmas Passed - December 2010 (7 Pages)

Jonno back on top form with this most interesting missive that grows evermore more funnier as it progresses. First he recounts the ghosts of Christmas Passed in China, before telling us what this Christmas Day was like - very different from your own no doubt!

Fat Cat's and Pussycats - February 2011 (4 Pages)

Jonno examines the international bankers bonus' awards, as compared against his own small life.

'Knowing of it is worth'...

Eason's Wedding- March 2011 (7 Pages)

I could not allow the event of my best friends wedding to pass by unmentioned - so if you ever wanted to know what a Chinese wedding is like, then this letter is for you.

Vilma's Visit - April 2011 (5 Pages)

Vilma contacted me in 2010 simply because she was searching for her ancestral home town - Gao Gong, or the place where I used to live at that time. Her Grandparents married in the town, and then moved to the States and Costa Rica circa 1918.

This story relates to her recent visit and our first meeting.

Timeline - June 2011 (12 Pages)

Jonno writes about the first 6-months of 2011 for those unfortunate souls who enjoy reading about his pleasures and misadventures. You may come to wonder whether life in China or life within their home is the more chaotic and amusing!

'Wot I Rote' - June 2011 (8 Pages)

Jonno describes his experiences of completing two books of a trilogy within 6-months, and offers tips for other authors. What is significant is that he dispels the aura around writing any book in general, and relates the facts through his own unique experiences.

However, he maintains that writing a book is one thing, but getting it published is a completely different can of worms. Those considering ePublishing will enjoy his comments near the end of this epic missive.

Invasion of 'The Dan Fong' - July 2011 (6 Pages)

Jonno is very quick to realise that not all things that invade their Chinese home from time to time are without personal threat.

The Dan Fong claim many innocent lives each year, but Jonno and his family survive to tell the tale ... although one large and feisty crab remains at large somewhere within their apartment.

Chinese Health Examination - August 2011 (4 Pages)

Jonno chooses one day between a stubborn cold leaving and a lung infection arriving to go for his first Chinese medical. Apart from coming out 2-inches shorter than when he went in, the results are fine and allow him to apply for his first ever Chinese Residency or 'D' visa.

This missive is more a factual account for other expat's, rather than a humorous synopsis in his usual style.

A Visit with Uncle Sam - August 2011 (6 Pages)

Jonno on top form with this interesting missive about a day out to see an old friend, and visit to old haunts including the home he used to live in. Initially the the puncture delay puts them back on time, but the long and winding way home is far more than either of our two intrepid explorers can bother to stay awake for!

3G or Not 3G: December 2011 (1 Page)

This is a modern take on The Bards first soliloquy from Hamlet.

Perhaps today these may have been the words he immortally penned? I wrote this as an initial parody from memory of the Great man's work, before bowing to the original; included.

Jonno

Whole (2 Pages)

A very short story about a hole in the pavement, but one that carries a message for the discerning reader.

I have no idea where this came from, but I recorded it for posterity: and here it is.

Day 1: A Most Stupid Day - November 2010 (7 Pages)

Jonno and Siu Ying leave home at 6.45am headed off on holiday in Thailand, not realising their day will see them visit three international airports and include rides in a Transit mini bus, coach, Sea Cat Ferry and underground railway ... and that's before they finally got on the airplane!

Day 2, Bangkok & Culture - November 2010 (6 Pages)

A day spent sightseeing in Bangkok turns out to be very interesting as the default language is decided as being Cantonese. They visit some lovely places before reaching their hotel late at night, as we in the meantime discover Chinese group tours are pretty intensive things.

Day 3, The Road to Pattaya - November 2010 (8 Pages)

A frustrating day as our intrepid tourists head from one sales opportunity to the next. This is broken by some gems, such as the Tiger Sanctuary. Reaching Pattaya main street in the early evening they wave to the pretty girls (or boys?) decorating the bars, before taking a Royal Thai Massage.

After reaching their hotel around 11pm, Jonno with Siu Ying escape captivity in company with the 4 Likely Lads, and hit the local street bar on the shore.

Day 4, Pattaya Playground - November 2010 (12 Pages)

The day begins with a short ride out to a floating pontoon used as a paragliding station. A Kamikaze boat ride follows before they reach the shore of a nearby island. Jonno describes the glass bottomed boat and island taxis in great style, whilst they spend a good time at the beach.

Later they visit another temple before confusion reigns at the floating market. This evening they visit a floating showboat where Siu Ying becomes a star! They finish with an excellent massage before Siu Ying buys a case full of lao lin or smelly fruit.

Day 5, Bound for Bangkok - November 2010 (11 Pages)

Jonno and wife enjoy an elephant ride before taking a wooden boat into a crocodile swamp where they can feed the wildlife chunks of meat. The crew want them to wear life jackets to which Jonno looks around and says "You cannot be serious!"

After many detours they reach Bangkok and eventually the hotel. Later a large group revolt and head out for the evening to enjoy the local nightlife.

Day 6, Revellers Return - November 2010 (8 Pages)

The journey back to China sees a late start as everybody enjoys a lie-in. Everything goes well until they reach Hong Kong and discover this is their final destination. They rush to try and catch the last coach home from Shenzhen, which leaves at 9pm sharp - will they make it?

Day *, Siamese Soliloquy - November 2010 (6 Pages)

A great summary of their adventures as seen from both Jonno's and Siu Ying's perspectives

The Praying Mantis - December 2009 (1 Page)

Jim describes living with a praying mantis in Jinglejien

Water for Salle Village - January 2006 (1 Page)

Dave and Dawn Edmonds describe visiting a rural village in Nepal and finding the locals have to fetch their daily water from a source many miles away over rocky hillsides.

They decide to do something about it - this is their story...

The Move - June 2010 (2 Pages)

Denis describes leaving UK and coming to live in China. He also offers us some advice about living in China.

The Application Process Begins - August 2010 (3 Pages)

Denis on form with this tale about obtaining visa's for the family. He also tells us about the Four Rules of doing Business in China.

The Snake with Legs - July 2011 (1 Page)

A short idiom that refers to ruining a venture by doing an unnecessary and extra thing.

Understanding, Interest and Enjoyment - July 2011 (1 Page)

A short 'Confucius Say' that has very wide repercussions